All the Warning Signs
I wanted to believe anything but the truth.
Note: I’ve changed some names and identifying details in this story to respect the privacy of the people involved.
Over the course of two years, I experienced a steady stream of shifting symptoms that pointed to a serious health condition. Yet, I interpreted them as signs of healing. As I look back, the warning signs were there all along — I just couldn’t accept that I was getting sick.
April, 2017 - Rural Kenya
Up until this time, I had no real health issues. I was healthy and fit, with no reason to think that was going to change.
About two months before my 40th birthday, I was nearing the end of a stay in a rural farming village in western Kenya. I own land there and have development plans through my non-profit.
One evening, out of nowhere, I was struck with this intense episode of chills, to the point I was severely convulsing under a couple of blankets in bed.
The chills would come and go until they finally stopped, leaving me feeling drained and weak.
The next day, I went to a hospital. The attending doctor suggested a stool sample to test for a viral or bacterial infection — a step that, in hindsight, would have been wise. Obviously.
(Years later, I would get diagnosed with three parasites, including Ancylostoma duodenale or hookworm, which is endemic in Africa.)
I dismissed the doctor’s advice, thinking, “A stool sample? Really?!” It didn’t seem serious, so I wondered why I should bother. Instead, I asked for a pill, as I was used to doing during my extensive travels in India when minor illnesses came up.
She looked at me curiously, as if to say, “Okay... if that’s what you want.”
I don’t know what she prescribed, but it worked. I recovered and moved on.
This event turned out to be the beginning of something much bigger than I expected.
July 8, 2017 - Ahmedabad, Gujarat, India
After a brief stay at my mom’s home in New York’s Hudson Valley — the Lyme capital of the world — I returned to India, where I was living on the campus of an NGO. On my first morning back, I woke up with a fever.
Well, I had quite a welcome reaching India. Started Sunday night with a medium-grade fever... going hot to cold to hot, sweating, etc. I went to the doctor on Tuesday morning, who prescribed some basic medicines.
I went to the doctor again today, this time we did blood work, which came back entirely normal but with an official diagnosis of “viral infection.”
I don’t know though... Something, again, tells me it’s deeper.
- Christopher (Emphasis added.)
That’s an excerpt of an email I wrote to a longtime friend and healing practitioner, Gerard (Gary), who, at the time, was overseeing an herbal, toxin-elimination program of mine based on a certain type reading.
The fever I mentioned lasted an entire month and was eventually treated with antibiotics. It’s worth noting that the prescribing doctor wanted me to see an infectious disease specialist, which I refused to his overt consternation.
I shared many of the symptoms I was experiencing around this time with Gary, which I now believe — but can’t say for sure — were the slow and gradual onset of Lyme disease, and definitely not something “deeper.”
The exchanges I had with him reflect part of what was happening at the time, i.e., they were one thread of a broader set of conversations.
As symptom after symptom showed up, I believed and wanted to believe I was experiencing either something of a spiritual nature or detoxification reactions from the herbal protocol, also known as a Herxheimer reaction (or “Herx”), a term I would come to hear way too often.
“I agree it is deeper, and I’m not surprised as your system is pushing things out.”
- Gary (Emphasis added.)
In essence, “What you’re experiencing is healthy and part of a cleansing process.”
That take, given with the best of intentions, was untrue — and dangerous, because I believed and wanted to believe it.
Outsourcing My Authority
I don’t want to get into my entire family history, but it’s relevant here to say that my parents divorced within days of my birth. My mom raised me on her own.
Time with dad, Al Lowman, was relegated to weekends and eventually none at all. Due to a severe case of COPD, he passed away when I was in my mid-20s.
Though I learned a lot from my dad, I did not have a father in the traditional sense or a consistent male role model growing up. To say the least, it left a void and unfulfilled needs that persist, probably even to this day.
After reviewing the email exchanges between Gary and me, it’s clear that: 1) I did not want to acknowledge what was happening or seek proper medical attention, and 2) I inadvertently placed Gary in a paternal role, allowing his understanding to take precedence over mine.
“If Gary thinks it’s X, then it’s X.” That was my mental model, and the pattern would continue for years, also with others I looked up to and believed could get me out of the trouble I was in.
This outsourcing of authority — combined with this relationship dynamic — was as unsafe as it was vulnerable, and later became the subject of agonizing self-recrimination and regret.
Red Blotches, Red Flag
Here’s another snippet from a check-in email that really highlights the issue:
Though I’m sure they’ve been there, nevertheless, this morning I noticed I have about a dozen red blotches located mostly on my trunk, front and back, and a few on my forehead. I attached a photo of one of them. - Christopher (July 10, 2017)
Thanks for the update. I’ve had similar things. Toxins coming out from everywhere.
- Gary (Emphasis added.)
I get a sick feeling in my stomach now, reviewing this exchange, because the blotches were a serious red flag and a probable indicator of early Lyme disease. And no, they hadn’t “been there,” as I was trying to convince myself.
I was taking medical cues from someone I trusted deeply — not from a doctor who would have been concerned and intervened immediately.
(Sidenote: Gary was a steady and deeply supportive presence throughout the journey who helped me in a way I can’t fully put into words, particularly in the later stage.)
There was a real possibility, given my travel patterns, that had I seen an infectious disease doctor as recommended on multiple occasions — even while in India — I would have tested positive for Lyme disease, been treated, and possibly avoided having my life derailed.
A few days later, I wrote to Gary:
The doctor wants to refer me to an Infectious Disease specialist for further examinations... if there is some underlying bug, I’d rather treat it holistically, and of course, they don’t really embrace the concept of this issue potentially being a healthy detoxification.
- Christopher (July 18, 2017)
He replied:
That would be great to see an infectious disease MD, as well as getting checked for parasites. - Gary
See: The truth surfaced more than once. I just didn’t let it in.
In the end, I was filtering out what I didn’t want to hear and chose to believe a healing process was going on, because it made me feel like something meaningful — or “deeper” — was happening.
It wasn’t. Not in the way I understood it then.
An Avalanche of Alarms
The email exchanges and the emergence of symptoms continued in this way up to my diagnosis in 2019. It’s astonishing to read these excerpts now — and more so that I kept investing in a false explanation of them.
September 3, 2017
Sharp, split-second shooting pains that seemed to emanate deep in my skull.
September 30, 2017
Slight tingling sensation in the liver area when I bend forward. The right eye twitching is still there.
October, 2017
I can’t really open my mouth because of tension in the right jaw.
January, 2018
I am grateful for going over the situation with you because I can, at least, better wrap my mind around everything and know nothing is wrong. (Emphasis added.)
(I wrote that email after another brief visit to the US, where I saw Gary in person. After another reading, I believed the symptoms were directly tied to the herbal protocol — and that it was working.)
March, 2018
Just about every day, something is inflamed... in the shoulders, around the knees, ankles, in fingers, etc.
This response really stood out:
I keep thinking that each of these episodes is a removal of toxins, heavy metals, viruses etc. It is amazing and obviously God’s grace. - Gary (Emphasis added.)
Truth be told, I wish somebody during this time had put their foot down and said, “Christopher, you need to see a doctor.” Gary was not the only one witnessing what was happening — there were others.
To me, we were both reinforcing a story that kept us from seeing what was actually happening.
December, 2018
I can’t walk more than 50m.
(That was because my ankle had swollen up out of nowhere, which I now know can happen in early Lyme.)
If I could go back with 20/20 hindsight, I would have gotten that stool sample, seen a doctor when I was in the US in 2017, and at the very least, followed through with seeing the infectious disease specialist in India, as I had been advised.
There’s no way to know but things might have turned out differently.